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Bennett was diagnosed with a Diaphragmatic Hernia when I was 20 weeks pregnant. It affects one child in every 2000, and to date there is no known cause. For more information, or to find out how to make a donation for the research of CDH, please check out www.cherubs-cdh.org I wish you could have stayed longer, my little one, but for reasons I will probably never understand, you had to go. I love and miss you so much - we all do... "If I could have a lifetime wish, A dream that would come true, I'd pray to God with all my heart for yesterday and you. A thousand words can't bring you back; I know because I've tried. And neither will a million tears, I know because I've cried. You left behind my broken heart, And happy memories too. I never wanted memories, I only wanted you." So for the most part, yes, we are fine. Life goes on and we must too. We both understand that things happen for a reason – we know that Bennett would have had such a long and hard road ahead of him. And we know that with us living here would have made things even more difficult – no hospitals nearby, etc. I would have been away for so long and Dewey would have had to stay here to work. We know Bennett would have suffered. I know that this way, the way it happened, that he went peacefully and he didn’t suffer. We know all of this. And yet….And yet I still find myself questioning why? Why was I allowed to carry him for so long – to feel him to growing inside of me – to grab Dewey’s hand at night, when Bennett was the most active and put Dewey’s hand on my belly for him to feel Bennett moving? Why was there nothing we could do? Yes, you tell yourself, it was for the best. For who, though? And when I held him in my arms, watching him attempt those few breaths, never to open his eyes, feeling so helpless….with his perfect little nose and perfect little mouth and little dimple in his chin…..not believing that it was actually happening. STILL not believing that it happened. Our baby, leaving us before we ever really had him. And everyone asks you how you are doing? And you say, OK, considering, taking each day as it comes, time will heal, etc. etc. But how do you explain this ache in your gut that feels like it will never go away? How do you say that sometimes the pain is so bad you wonder what was the reason for this? How can there be a reason for anything like this to happen? And you see your family and friends struggle for the right words to say, to try and take some of that pain away. But there is nothing to say. There is nothing they can do. Just being there and knowing that they care is enough. They hurt for you and they want to make it better for you. But they can’t either. So you go on. Life goes on. We have to go on. But it is so damn hard. I look at pictures of my beautiful baby angel, and I can not comprehend that he is not here. Did it really happen? Sometimes it feels so surreal. Was it a bad dream? No. It wasn’t. It happened. And he is gone. Gone… before we even got a chance to know him. And then I tell myself, surely that is better, isn’t it? Would it not have been harder to have had Bennett for a few months, to have been able to bond with him, and then to have lost him? Frankly, I don’t think there is a better way. To lose a child is to lose a child, as far as I am concerned, whether you are blessed with your child for 20 minutes or for 20 years. That child is a part of you and when you lose that part, it is gone. And I don’t think you ever get that back. And so I lay my head on Dewey’s chest, and shed my tears. He strokes my head. There is nothing to say. What can you say? We both hurt; we both ache for our baby. When your partner hurts, you want to fix it; when they cry, you want to do something to make those tears go away. And yet, here we are and we are helpless. We can’t make it better. So you just hold each other when you need to be held. And you don’t bother asking “Why?”, because you don’t have the answer. You just hope that the next day is a better day. And I know I will forever be questioning, “Why?” And I know I will never get my answer – not in this life anyway. And we will have our good days and have our bad days. And life will go on. But I just wonder, when does this ache go away? But I know the answer. It never will. You learn to live with it, and you make yourself get up in the morning, and to get on with things. You try not to wallow in your own self-pity and to stop asking yourself, “Why me?” You try to see that it could have been worse. Or so you tell yourself, because you can’t quite imagine how. And sometimes, it does get a bit much, and you sit on the couch, watching TV but not really watching. You sit there, trying to comprehend this amazing and beautiful gift that was given to you for such a short time, and then taken away. You look around you, and you realize that some things are much more important than we realize. How much time we waste worrying about the small stuff. What I would give just to have five more minutes with Bennett. Just five more minutes to look at him and hold his little fingers. To be able to kiss his little head just one last time. Just one more time. These last months since we first got the diagnosis has been such an unbelievable roller coaster of emotions. And you can not explain it unless you have been there. You just can’t find the words for it all. If nothing else, you learn to cherish what you have even more. You find yourself getting mad about the stupidest things, and then you catch yourself – does it really matter? I look at Dewey, and how amazing he has been. How helpless he must feel when I cry; how he picks me up when I am falling apart; when he holds me and I know he wishes he could fix this. We both do. And maybe that was why Bennett came to us – to bring us closer and make us realize what is really important. And so here we are, almost seven weeks since we said goodbye to our little blessed one, Bennett. And for the most part, we are OK. We will never forget him, our little angel Bennett, who graced us for such a short, short time. He was so beautiful. And he will always be with us. Our love for him will always be with us. And so will our ache for him. Bennett's Mummy, Erika 06FEB06 Is There a God? A Heaven? by Marcy Heminger Today as I stood by your grave I looked up toward the sky And wondered if there was a God And if there was - just why - He had to take you from us, He had to make you die. If he knew how much we need you, how much we miss you so, Perhaps he would have left you here and not have made you go. If he knew the pain of losing you How hard it is to bear Perhaps he would let us know that you are really there - Up in his heaven, safe with him. With no more troubles, no more sins. That you are happy and content, that you are well, - and that death meant - Another beginning, not the end, and only then can my heart mend. So God, please show me that you care, Let me know my son is there. I Will Be Fine Pat Hitts You ask, "How are you doing?" and I reply, "I'm fine." But, inside my mind is screaming...those words are just not mine. But, I thank you so for asking, it is difficult...I know. As I'm sure the pain is evident...you know I love him so. Every crevice of my being, every corner of my soul is filled with longing...aching, that will never cease....I know. Yet, I know I will get better...my heart will heal with time. It will never ever be whole again, but...yes, I will be fine. The pain will dull as time goes by with the help from God above... We have so much in common...He has the one I love. My faith in Him sustains me for He does so much you see... He sends his love down to me...it surrounds me endlessly. Someday we will be reunited, in the Heavens up above.. Someday God will rejoin us with the child that we love. (the above two poems taken from Cherubs web site) I also wanted to say a big big thank you to all of you have visited Bennett's page. Thanks for all of your prayers and thoughts of us, and the love that everyone has been sending our way. It has been hard, and I guess it will always be hard, but it does help to know that there are so many people out there who are there for us. I have a hard time saying how I feel under "normal" circumstances, so this page has been a godsend to be able to put my feelings out there for you all to have some idea what is going on with us. 29TH JUNE 2008 It has now been just over 2 1/2 years since Bennett passed away. I knew it would be hard, but I really didn't realise just how hard. Having Ella in our lives has helped, not by replacing Bennett, because nothing ever will - but because she is Bennett's little sister and even now when I watch her sleeping, she reminds me so much of Bennett & how he looked when I held him in my arms. Not one day goes by when I do not think of him, and just what he would be doing. I will never ever stop questioning why this had to happen. I never wanted to be a statistic - I just wanted my baby here with us. |
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Click here to see Bennett Russell's Family Tree |
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Tributes and Condolences
| Bring the memories home by publishing your online memorial as a genuine hardcover keepsake |
| This memorial website was created by Erika Russell on 02/06/2006.
click here to contact Erika |
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